I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
