I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
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