I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
