I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Holy sore nipples Batman
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Randomize
