All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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