found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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