I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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