god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
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