no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Randomize
