I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Randomize
