fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Randomize
