i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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