physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
