I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
