So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
