i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Randomize
