So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
