i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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