I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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