Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Randomize
