just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
