official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
