We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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