I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
