I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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