i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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