Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
