This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
