so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
