I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Randomize
