Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
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