I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Randomize