Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Randomize
