smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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