WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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