it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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