what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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