god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Randomize