if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
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