the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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