Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
