So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Randomize
