Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
