Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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