do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Randomize
