She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
