i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
i came on her dog
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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