mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
