Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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