i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
