I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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