i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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